Heading Home

This trip has been the most incredible experience that I have ever had, without question. I've learned so much about life, love, and myself. I've formed relationships that will last forever, I've worked harder than I ever have before, and I've faced truths about myself that I've been running from for far too long. All of these things are a part of what this trip is about. Learning, growing, and changing. With the help and guidance of everyone here with me, I've made realizations about myself and my life, and I want those things that I've been hiding from, to disappear. I now know that I can make that happen. I've faced fears, had new experiences, and tried new things. It has all been so wonderful, I feel so blessed to have had this opportunity.

Even before we left, I knew that this experience would take me out of my comfort zone, and require things of me that I didn't know that I was capable of. For example, I didn't know that I was capable of building a house, yet that was the project we had, so that's what we did. Now, because of that, our wonderful boys have a roof to sleep under. It provides shelter for them, and a place that they can call their own. For all of the boys, it is their first real bed.Something that they never knew that they would have. For us, a bed is guaranteed. It truly is something that we take for granted, something that we never give a second thought to, never realize how lucky we are to have that. There are plenty of those seemingly unimportant things that we don't realize how much someone in need would give to have what we do.

Regarding new experiences and trying new things, I have done more of that in the past two weeks than ever in my life! I have bargained for prices, I have tried new foods, I put my feet in a tank full of fish that eat the dead skin and bacteria off of your feet for goodness sakes! Some of those things were scary for me, like bargaining for prices. I tend to be very shy towards people I don't know, so to challenge what they were asking for within the first two sentences of talking to them was definitely uncomfortable for me. By the end of it, I had gotten pretty used to it, maybe even good at it. There were also experiences that were simply amazing, like talking to So Piep. So Piep is a 29 year old man who lives at the orphanage and is blind. He lost his sight in a minefield explosion when he was young. His older brother also was killed, which is just as tragic as him losing his sight. So Piep is also one of the most talented musicians that I know, and it was really cool to see how he could be a music teacher and be so great at what he does. Since I had never talked to someone who was blind before, having a conversation with him was new for me, and hearing about his life and his story was incredible to me, and I'm so glad that I had the chance to learn about him.

In terms of realizations made within myself, there is so much that I could say that I don't even know where to begin. I have realized that I am proud, stubborn, and can seem very standoffish. I have also learned that I have untapped potential, and I've just been to afraid to find it within myself. I've faced things about myself that I've been running from for my whole life. I won't tell you about them right now, it's a difficult topic for me, and would take much too much time to explain. If you really are interested in that, you can ask me once I'm home, I'll tell you about it. Through it, though, I've learned that I need to stop trying to please everyone. I should live my life for me, and be the person that I truly am, not the person that people want me to be. I can't live my life for everyone but me, I have to stay true to myself, even if it means that I lose something, or someone, that I care about. But if they don't want to be a part of my life because they found out who I REALLY am, then I didn't need them in my life anyways. I'm so excited to make that transition from fake to authentic, I have a feeling that I'll be much happier that way.

In terms of relationships I've formed, I really don't even know how to express to you just how many relationships I've created, or how incredibly strong they are. Each and every child at the orphanage has become a brother or sister of mine, and I will carry all of them in my heart. Then there are the bonds and connections that have come to be with a few certain kids. The kids who I will think of throughout every minute of every day for the rest of my life. First, there is Houen. Houen is now 17 years old, and in the beginning I was kind of afraid to talk to him because I didn't know if it would be strange for me to approach him because he was older than me. Eventually, I got past that and I'm so glad I did. Though he may have intimidated me a little bit in the beginning, as I got to know him more and more, I got to see how he is really just a sweetheart. There were a lot of the kids on the trip who didn't think that Houen would cry when it was time for us to say goodbye, and they were surprised when he was one of the first few to do so. I wasn't surpised at all. After getting to know him, I knew that he was more open than most people expected, maybe because that's how people are in America, very reserved with their feelings. He is also one of the greatest dancers I have ever seen, and I will always remember just how talented he is, and he will always be in my thoughts, and always be there in my heart. Then, there is my beautiful boy, Nirot. I originally just watched him from a distance as well, he was always going going going. He went to every one of the kids on our trip, and within the first day, he would be teaching them sword fighting routines. He was always so happy, just looking at how content HE was made me happy. We didn't really interact all that much until the day I brought in Nikko's gift. From that point on, something had clicked. We interacted a lot, and talked more, and he would teach me bits and pieces of Khmer, (even though there was some that I still don't know the meaning of) and I would be endlessly writing him cards and notes. Every day I think about him, and I will continue to for the rest of my life. He is my beautiful boy; I will never forget him, and I have a feeling that he won't forget me either.

So while I'm here in South Korea, my (first) journey to Cambodia is ending. However, my journey as a person has barely begun, and I'm so excited to see where it takes me! Although I am so sad to have left the country that has become home to me, I look forward to seeing you all and telling you all about it!

Farewells

Last night, we had to say our final goodbyes to our little angels, at least for now. We won't see them again on this trip, which is an awful feeling, and saying farewell really hurt. What keeps me going is my complete and utter determination that I'm going to see them again, the only question is when.

Yesterday we started out just playing around, and making bracelets and coloring and drawing, and it was so nice and peaceful and everyone was just so happy. As the day progressed we kept doing these things and laughing and joking around and just having fun. It was so wonderful to have that time to be with the kids. At four o'clock the kids put on their show for us, with full makeup and traditional clothing and everything completely full out. I will never forget that show, all the wonderful dances that they put so much effort into, and then there was the hip hop that I will never forget.

After the show we all went back to having fun together, whether it be sitting on the stage and playing or out in the sun playing volleyball. I looked at my watch and as the time got later, we came closer and closer to having to say goodbye. I started to get a little teary-eyed thinking about it, and two of the kids noticed, and came over to hug me. We stood there for a while like that, and then I felt little Srey Tok's breathing change from even to uneven and I knew she was crying. Then Heang started to do the same thing. Feeling them both crying into my sides ended the game for me, and I started to cry as well. Throughout the rest of the night everyone walked around and I hugged everyone that came into my arm's reach, except for one. I avoided hugging Nirot because I wasn't ready for it to be goodbye. The thought of not seeing my beautiful boy every day made me cry even harder. I hugged Lavin at least four times, and each time he came a little bit closer to crying. Every time, he told me not to cry, don't be sad, to laugh and be happy, that I shouldn't be sad. I really tried to do that, to make those last few moments happy, but it was too hard to see all the kids crying. Including us, and crying was just the only thing we could do to let our feelings out.

I also hugged Houen a total of 4 times, and each time it made us both cry even harder, both of us saying "I love you, I love you, you're my brother/sister, I'll never forget you," and all of that. All of which is completely true. To see our fun-loving, always laughing Houen crying was really difficult, but it just goes to show how much of an impact that we all make on one another, that's strong enough to make even the strongest of us cry.

Then, there comes Nirot. I avoided hugging him during the beginning, as I said, because I couldn't bear to face goodbye. Finally, we were running out of time, and it was either go to him and say goodbye or leave without saying a word to him, and that wasn't an option. So I got out the little teddy bear that I bought for him, along with the note, and went to find him. At the beginning of the goodbyes, he had stayed strong and joked around about it, and slowly he had progressed to being sad, but he didn't cry. I found him, and gave him those things, and then we hugged each other. When I pulled back, he was crying. That was an awful feeling, to see my strong little soldier break, but it also made me happy to know that he cared enough about me to cry when we had to say goodbye, that we both shared that bond which made it so difficult to let go.

As we had to get on the tuk tuk finally, Houen came around and reached across to hug me one last time, so we did, and said I love you, and held hands until we started to pull away. Then I told him that I will come back, no matter what. We were both still crying. On the other side of the tuk tuk, Nirot started running alongside the tuk tuk,and saying my name. I held out my hand and he took it. I held on for dear life as long as I could, and he did too, until he couldn't run anymore. Right before we had to let go, I said "I love you," and he did too, and then he was gone, getting farther and farther away. We both waved and called each other's names until we couldn't see each other. I cried the rest of the time on the ride home. Thank goodness that Ripley was there comforting me, she knew how hard it was.

That was a very sad story, I know, and I hate that I need to tell it, but we also have to remember that we've learned so much about ourselves, and about living in the moment, and giving our all. There's so many wonderful things that have happened while we were here, and it's not over quite yet. I've learned how to truly love, and be loved, and I will always remember these kids for that, at least until I see them again. There is so much to be thankful for, and so much to love in our lives, and I am so glad of that. I believe that that is the most important thing that I've learned on this trip, and I have our little angels to thank for that.

Break Down the Wall

Last night was the first night that our boys slept in actual beds in their very own house! This makes me so incredibly happy, I can’t even describe the feelings I’m having. To know that they were happy, and dry, and comfortable last night gives me so much joy; I want to go crazy, celebrating.

I got to teach at the school yesterday, which was a very new and different experience for me. In the beginning, I had some trouble because I didn’t know how to teach them in English, since Khmer is their first language, but after a while, I got the hang of it. I was able to teach them about nouns, verbs, and adjectives, and they caught on really quickly.

There are also a couple of things that have happened in the past two days that I, you could say, have had trouble comprehending. I was asked by both Srey Neath and Srey Tok if I would be their sister. Of course I said yes, but it kind of boggles my mind. I have known these girls for 10 days total, and we now address each other as “sister.” In the U.S., that just doesn’t happen. I really wish that it were that way because it’s so much more comfortable, happy, and peaceful. We all love each other so much! We have become like a family, and I will always keep them in my heart.

Also, Nirot gave me a beautiful bracelet today. He made it himself, and it is pink, blue, and a little bit of orange. He brought it to me just after lunch, and he put it on my wrist and tightened it for me. It may not seem like much, but for me it was probably my most special moment of the trip so far. Nirot is definitely one of my “favorites”, even though I love them each so much. Just knowing that he took the time to do that for me makes me feel in a way that I can’t describe. It’s such a wonderful experience to give and receive love in this way.

I also realized that a change isn’t just going to happen, I have to be willing to put in the time and effort to make that change in myself. One of the main objectives of the trip is to grow and change, to become the best version of yourself that you can be, it’s something that we’re all striving for. I have two days to make that change, to make that difference. I am going to release my pride (no matter how challenging that may be for me), raise my standards, and do everything in my power to make the change I want to see in myself. I know that my potential is just behind this wall, and I intend to break down that wall now.

Giving a Gift

The past two days have been the best of my life! Yesterday I was able to use my own brain and take the initiative to do things on my own, instead of being told to do things on my own, instead of being told to do so! Today, I got to give Niroat a little surprise myself, and it was the most wonderful feeling, seeing the look on his face was absolutely priceless.

Yesterday, as I said, I really worked on being mentally active and taking initiative. So after we finished fixing the clotheslines, I thought that it would be nice to replace the rope for the bucket in the well, and I was very proud of that idea, I’m not going to lie. It was great to do something on my own.

Today, I had the chance to give Niroat the gift that I was passing on to him from Nikko. At first, he didn’t seem to realize that it was from her, once he did, his face lit up, and he smiled the biggest smile I’ve seen him show yet. He opened it up, and handled each thing so carefully, like it was made of glass. His eyes got a little bit wider with everything he took out. I admit it, I did cry a little bit, but not out of sadness, out of joy. Seeing just how happy Niroat got at receiving this simple gift from a person that he cares so much about made me truly appreciate why we’re here. Whatever we do for them now will still mean the world to them even years after we’ve gone. It’s not as if we’ll do all of these things and then be gone from each other’s lives forever. Each will carry the others in their hearts for as long as they live and even beyond then.

Starting tomorrow, we only have 3 days left with the kids who’ve become so dear to us. The thought of leaving them kills me, it is almost unbearable. It really has gone by much too fast. However, I’ll take what I learned from them on the first day and use it now. I will embrace every moment that I have left with them. I will not think about what is coming, I will live in the present and love every minute of it. 

Go the Distance

However painful, I have to admit that my past couple of days haven't been my best. I haven't been working at my full potential, and it's disappointing me, disappointing Lisa Marie, and letting down the other students. I need to take a step up and be the leader I know that I can be, because the better I work, the faster things get done, and the faster things get done, the better things get for the kids.

Yesterday wasn't bad, it was actually pretty good. I worked the hardest I have ever worked in my entire life, and, as a team, we got a lot done. The frame for the boys' house went up, which made me feel so great about what we're accomplishing! You can really see the house coming together, and it makes me smile to think that soon enough, the boys will have a closed, covered place to sleep, as well as beds! I can't even imagine not having a bed, and it makes me so sad to know that our boys don't. Knowing that we're giving them some makes me want to jump for joy!

On another note, I made a not-so-smart decision to be out of my room after dinner when we were told not to be. Because of that, I was punished, which leads into the next piece of today's stories.

As my punishment, I had to clean the office. First of all, it's not an office. It comes across as more of a storage room. Second of all, I sincerely pray that I never have to do that again. It is a tin room that feels like an oven, with a dirt floor and more spiders than you can count. I can't explain to you just how enormous they are, either. It makes me shiver just thinking about it. During my 6 attempts to get it done right, I had a lot of time to think. I thought a lot about home, though I'm not homesick. I do miss my family and friends, and the comforts of home, and most definitely the food. Even though I miss those things, I am very glad that I am here.

I was also talked to about how when I cant't think of anything to do to help and just end up standing around, it comes across as laziness. I really hate that word: lazy. It makes me feel useless, and guilty, and like I'm only a burden. I've decided (though it should've been decided from Day 1) thyat I'm not going to even come close to coming across as lazy anymore. I am going to always be busy, always helping from now on. Because when I don't, it makes me feel incapable and incompetent, and I am neither of those things.

At home, there were some people who said that I wasn't cut our for coming here. That the manual labor would be too hard for me, the emotional stress would be too overwhelming for me to handle. Today, I had begun to think that they were right. But looking back on that now, in this moment, those things only drive me to do better, to prove them wrong. I'm going to let that be my gasoline, and those kids are going to be the engine. Combined, those two things are going to make me work better, and harder, than I ever have before. I can, and will, go the distance.

Truly Loved

Today I want to talk about a few specific instances that have happened in the past few days that made me think. There are 4 events I want to talk about, each of which happened yesterday.

First of all, I talked to So Piep yesterday. He is 29 years old, lives at the orphanage, and he is blind. I had never talked to someone who was blind before, so I didn't know if I should act any differently, or if there was anything special that I should do. At first, I was a little bit nervous, but as I started talking to him, I got more and more comfortable. He made me feel very welcome, and he really took an interest in my life, and I learned a little bit about him as well.

The next instances happened during the farewell. First, there was a little girl who approached me to say goodbye, and she pointed to her eye and said “I,” then made a heart with her hands and said “love,” then pointed to me and said “you!” I did the same to her. I was later told that she did that to everyone, but it didn't matter to me. That moment was special to me, and nothing could have taken that away. The fact that she said she loved me after only 3 days within meeting her was incredible.

Also, I hugged Lavin before we left yesterday. It seems so small, so insignificant from the outside, but it was such a monumental moment for me. Originally, Lavin seemed shy, and quiet, and kind of reserved, not the type of person who would be open enough to hug me after only truly knowing me for a couple of days.

Finally, as we were leaving, I hugged Srey Pi goodbye, and she kissed me on the cheek. I did the same back, and it was a very important experience for me. It made me feel so needed, so loved.

The reason that I'm talking about this is because there is a common theme. All of these things happened after only a few days within meeting each other. It really made me think about how different it is here from home. After only a couple days in America, you barely even have a conversation with someone. You certainly aren't hugging them, or telling them that you love them. People here are just so amiable; I love it so much! In America, sometimes even people you've known since you were little wouldn't do those things. Here, in Cambodia, I feel truly accepted, and loved.

Live in the Moment

Stepping off the plane in Phnom Penh, there were so many things running through my head. Excitement, nervousness, tiredness, happiness, and so much more. I don't think that I actually realized we were in Cambodia until the afternoon of the first day. Coming off the plane, the first thing I noticed was the humidity. The heat didn't seem as bad as I expected, but the humidity caught me by surprise. I also noticed the different smell. I can't quite describe it, but it was definitely one of the things I noticed. Going from the airport to the Guest House was quite an experience on its own. We had to fit 22 (50 pound) suitcases, 13 people, and 11 very full backpacks into a small little van, it was very cramped, but we made it all work. On the way to the guest house, I couldn't stop smiling! If it was uncomfortable, I didn't notice. All I noticed was what was outside the window, the city that I would call home for the next 2 weeks. I loved it already.

Wednesday, July 3 (Day 1)

In the morning, we went up to breakfast, met our beautiful, wonderful translator, Meng, and went over some of the vocabulary. It was more helpful than you could imagine, the words aren't always the easiest to pronounce. After we had finished breakfast, we headed downstairs to the tuk tuks. I love the tuk tuks so much! I love going through the city and smiling and waving at everyone I see, and seeing them smile and wave back at me, makes me so happy! It's so wonderful to see how genuinely friendly they are, and I appreciate every smile I see coming my way. The first stop of the day was to the Toul Sleng (also called S21) Museum. I know that all of us had a lot of difficulty hearing about what had happened there, and seeing it as well. Our guide herself had lost her father, her brother, and a sister to the Khmer Rouge. We went inside of rooms where you could still see blood stains on the floor from where people were tortured. We saw the tiny cells that were barely enough space for one person, yet they often held two. We saw pictures of the victims, some of which had numbers pinned into their bare chests. It made me feel ill. To know that any person, no matter what race, ethnicity, income, or status, could do that to another person makes me sick. It's absolutely disgusting, and it makes me sad that anyone could taint our beautiful planet by staining it with the blood of their own people. We also took a tour of the Killing Fields, where you could see pieces of bone and cloth where lives had been taken. I felt many of the same things there that I did in Toul Sleng. The last stop of our day was the orphanage! Many of the children were in school, but most all of the older kids were there, and it was so nice to be able to meet them, find out their names, play games with them, etc. They were all wonderful, and very encouraging despite my lack of athletic ability. At the end of the day, we learned the phrase “joop k'nea kanaisa-ai” which means 'see you tomorrow'. Learning that was such an important moment for me, because it made me realize that I actually am in Cambodia, working at an orphanage, doing my part to serve and make the world a better place. It meant a lot to me, and I'm just so incredibly happy that I'm here, and that I have this opportunity.

Thursday, July 4 (Day 2)

Happy 4^th of July everyone! Hope today was/is wonderful. Today was our first actual work day at the orphanage. We split up, half of us went to the school and the library, while half of us stayed at the orphanage to clean and do manual labor. In the morning, I was assigned to clean one of the bathrooms. It was hard work, but through the whole thing, all I could think about was how I was doing this for the kids, how it would mean the world to them. In the afternoon, we all kind of sat down and stopped working, while the leaders and Kevin went out and started work on the boys house. Most of us didn't realize that they were working. There was one who did, and he went out and helped. At one point in the day, I walked outside with a little girl, saw what they were doing, and didn't go out to help until an hour later. I would like to apologize to Lisa Marie, Kevin, Scott, Jamie, and Karlie for that. I know that I'm going to have to do better tomorrow, and that's exactly what I plan to do. While right now I am very frustrated and disappointed with myself for not giving it my all, I know that I can't do anything about what's already happened now and I will do better tomorrow.

The kids are absolutely, without question, the most wonderful people I have ever met. They are so loving, and well rounded, and live every day, moment, and second to the absolute fullest that it can be. I am trying to learn all of their names, which can be hard, but I'm getting it done. A few of them are Lavin, Nirot, Niron, Srey Neit, Srey Na, and Srey Pi. There are so many more and they are all so amazing that it makes me want to work harder, for them. They're just so open with everything they have. The first thing that happened when I stepped out of the tuk tuk the first time at the orphanage was that Srey Pi hugged me. She didn't know who I was, she didn't know my name, but it didn't matter. She was just so happy that I was there at all, and it was the most incredible experience for me. I felt so overjoyed that these kids wanted to know us, they wanted to love us, and have us love them right back. It makes me so happy that these kids so want us in their lives, and I just want to do everything I can for them.

I think that the most important thing that I've learned in the past 2 days is that in life, you need to live in the moment. Be present, and give everything you have. It's alright to look forward to tomorrow, but don't depend on it. Don't rely on anything that isn't already taking place. Every moment in life is so precious, and if you don't seize it, you'll regret it, and no one wants that.