Farewells

Last night, we had to say our final goodbyes to our little angels, at least for now. We won't see them again on this trip, which is an awful feeling, and saying farewell really hurt. What keeps me going is my complete and utter determination that I'm going to see them again, the only question is when.

Yesterday we started out just playing around, and making bracelets and coloring and drawing, and it was so nice and peaceful and everyone was just so happy. As the day progressed we kept doing these things and laughing and joking around and just having fun. It was so wonderful to have that time to be with the kids. At four o'clock the kids put on their show for us, with full makeup and traditional clothing and everything completely full out. I will never forget that show, all the wonderful dances that they put so much effort into, and then there was the hip hop that I will never forget.

After the show we all went back to having fun together, whether it be sitting on the stage and playing or out in the sun playing volleyball. I looked at my watch and as the time got later, we came closer and closer to having to say goodbye. I started to get a little teary-eyed thinking about it, and two of the kids noticed, and came over to hug me. We stood there for a while like that, and then I felt little Srey Tok's breathing change from even to uneven and I knew she was crying. Then Heang started to do the same thing. Feeling them both crying into my sides ended the game for me, and I started to cry as well. Throughout the rest of the night everyone walked around and I hugged everyone that came into my arm's reach, except for one. I avoided hugging Nirot because I wasn't ready for it to be goodbye. The thought of not seeing my beautiful boy every day made me cry even harder. I hugged Lavin at least four times, and each time he came a little bit closer to crying. Every time, he told me not to cry, don't be sad, to laugh and be happy, that I shouldn't be sad. I really tried to do that, to make those last few moments happy, but it was too hard to see all the kids crying. Including us, and crying was just the only thing we could do to let our feelings out.

I also hugged Houen a total of 4 times, and each time it made us both cry even harder, both of us saying "I love you, I love you, you're my brother/sister, I'll never forget you," and all of that. All of which is completely true. To see our fun-loving, always laughing Houen crying was really difficult, but it just goes to show how much of an impact that we all make on one another, that's strong enough to make even the strongest of us cry.

Then, there comes Nirot. I avoided hugging him during the beginning, as I said, because I couldn't bear to face goodbye. Finally, we were running out of time, and it was either go to him and say goodbye or leave without saying a word to him, and that wasn't an option. So I got out the little teddy bear that I bought for him, along with the note, and went to find him. At the beginning of the goodbyes, he had stayed strong and joked around about it, and slowly he had progressed to being sad, but he didn't cry. I found him, and gave him those things, and then we hugged each other. When I pulled back, he was crying. That was an awful feeling, to see my strong little soldier break, but it also made me happy to know that he cared enough about me to cry when we had to say goodbye, that we both shared that bond which made it so difficult to let go.

As we had to get on the tuk tuk finally, Houen came around and reached across to hug me one last time, so we did, and said I love you, and held hands until we started to pull away. Then I told him that I will come back, no matter what. We were both still crying. On the other side of the tuk tuk, Nirot started running alongside the tuk tuk,and saying my name. I held out my hand and he took it. I held on for dear life as long as I could, and he did too, until he couldn't run anymore. Right before we had to let go, I said "I love you," and he did too, and then he was gone, getting farther and farther away. We both waved and called each other's names until we couldn't see each other. I cried the rest of the time on the ride home. Thank goodness that Ripley was there comforting me, she knew how hard it was.

That was a very sad story, I know, and I hate that I need to tell it, but we also have to remember that we've learned so much about ourselves, and about living in the moment, and giving our all. There's so many wonderful things that have happened while we were here, and it's not over quite yet. I've learned how to truly love, and be loved, and I will always remember these kids for that, at least until I see them again. There is so much to be thankful for, and so much to love in our lives, and I am so glad of that. I believe that that is the most important thing that I've learned on this trip, and I have our little angels to thank for that.