Go the Distance

However painful, I have to admit that my past couple of days haven't been my best. I haven't been working at my full potential, and it's disappointing me, disappointing Lisa Marie, and letting down the other students. I need to take a step up and be the leader I know that I can be, because the better I work, the faster things get done, and the faster things get done, the better things get for the kids.

Yesterday wasn't bad, it was actually pretty good. I worked the hardest I have ever worked in my entire life, and, as a team, we got a lot done. The frame for the boys' house went up, which made me feel so great about what we're accomplishing! You can really see the house coming together, and it makes me smile to think that soon enough, the boys will have a closed, covered place to sleep, as well as beds! I can't even imagine not having a bed, and it makes me so sad to know that our boys don't. Knowing that we're giving them some makes me want to jump for joy!

On another note, I made a not-so-smart decision to be out of my room after dinner when we were told not to be. Because of that, I was punished, which leads into the next piece of today's stories.

As my punishment, I had to clean the office. First of all, it's not an office. It comes across as more of a storage room. Second of all, I sincerely pray that I never have to do that again. It is a tin room that feels like an oven, with a dirt floor and more spiders than you can count. I can't explain to you just how enormous they are, either. It makes me shiver just thinking about it. During my 6 attempts to get it done right, I had a lot of time to think. I thought a lot about home, though I'm not homesick. I do miss my family and friends, and the comforts of home, and most definitely the food. Even though I miss those things, I am very glad that I am here.

I was also talked to about how when I cant't think of anything to do to help and just end up standing around, it comes across as laziness. I really hate that word: lazy. It makes me feel useless, and guilty, and like I'm only a burden. I've decided (though it should've been decided from Day 1) thyat I'm not going to even come close to coming across as lazy anymore. I am going to always be busy, always helping from now on. Because when I don't, it makes me feel incapable and incompetent, and I am neither of those things.

At home, there were some people who said that I wasn't cut our for coming here. That the manual labor would be too hard for me, the emotional stress would be too overwhelming for me to handle. Today, I had begun to think that they were right. But looking back on that now, in this moment, those things only drive me to do better, to prove them wrong. I'm going to let that be my gasoline, and those kids are going to be the engine. Combined, those two things are going to make me work better, and harder, than I ever have before. I can, and will, go the distance.